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First, two things and then maybe more.

There is a woman I know who I learned a lot from and I tried to help.  I contacted the social workers and psychologists involved to no avail.  I want to get this off my chest.  Our last “talk” was barely talking.  It was really just two people saying loudly what was on their mind.  It was not constructive and there was no point.  From her all I really remember is “What about him, what about him!” referring to her ex and the source of all that ruin.

I knew what was coming.  “What about you?”

Is that narcissism?  In the court system and in a big part of her life she got killed.  For some reason it just didn’t work.

And the thing is, it is completely different when one is on their own.  Kids and a spouse (and dependent family members) make all the difference in the world.

Second, I wrote a story about 17 years ago about alcoholism in my family.  It was especially for my siblings, to whom I sent copies.  It was pretty upbeat and there was a happy ending, but that part was fiction of course.  For me it was a reckoning as I chose a life away from that; I understood addiction and I decided against it.  Obviously I had to also choose a lifestyle managing and confronting a family that would not change.  Selfish?  I had to for my own survival.  I made every effort not to hurt anyone else in the process.

For years and still to this day I pondered the notion of How can anyone be so cruel?  How can someone not pay attention?  Only recently have I realized that with alcoholics you are dealing with only a portion of a person because another large part of them is consumed by the addiction.  They’re not whole, and you are fighting for a portion of a portion of their attention, and what is left may be jaded too.  Why no attention?  My attention is consumed elsewhere.  I’m not doing it because it is fun, occasional, or social, I am doing it to reach a different state and place for my attention.

The two are related, I think.

Third bullet and to no one’s immediate concern whatsoever.  In online dating I will reply when I know what to say.  I warned you this last part isn’t worth reading for anyone but myself.