Posted by I have a feeling this is going to be here, at the top, for a while because it is not nearly finished. I’m often not completely satisfied with a lot of things posted here but, after a few days, I am content enough to let things be and move on. This one is going to take longer.
If you could see my inbox from, say the moon, you would see why. I may have read half or two-thirds of them. It was the only thing I could do at the time. I have to read them.
Now, after over half a year, it is not a real conversation. And time provides a different perspective.
It is a huge challenge. Dialogue is the most fun to write; I have always been fascinated by email and texts as dialogue. I am not naming names. It is only about the positives and the learnings. If I wrote it I can do what I want with it. Same for if it is on web. If she said it or wrote it that is a little harder to decide… Made-up is of course fine too.
OMG, I didn’t remember. I went back to an old computer. There’s a “hide Ms. X” folder.
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Yesterday night and a little bit this morning I was feeling nostalgic.
“Acquiring” phase (not my word). It is an accomplishment. It still looks awfully lonely.
I continued my snooping from a year and half ago for just a short while. Very little has changed. But I had never heard of Kalama, Washington or Wendy Wilson, nor had I read the details about Ruth McEndoo. (To get the details the detective had to talk to Mr. X and Ms. X, but he had to do it separately. And it is unusual that a small local paper would make a request to obtain the documents. I can see, a bit, where the hiding comes from.) I was hoping to find good news–that all the problems from before had been resolved and that everything was going really well. I was told publicity and creating traffic would be a new strategy. I thought I might even find a new address or person. That is what I wished-for.
Every week something new hits me. It is a very rare person who can do that.
I hope she calls in two years when she is her own woman.
Stock photo. Online dating.
You hear it all the time, the phrase “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” There is always a better, more articulate way. What did you mean to do?
The hardest part is not to say something. That is what goes unrecognized.
The purpose is I have to find a way to explain it to Jane (Jane Doe #2).
We all lie.
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I had to go back. I knew how it ended; I had to find out why it began.
This is the story of successful online dating.
You caught my eye because of our 92% match. The use of word “Enemy” next the other percentage is interesting. Does it mean we have a 6% chance that one of us will challenge the other to a duel?
You are invisible (no picture). I was just thinking this morning it is time to put my/a profile back. First things first, all the people I’d “met” but didn’t feel comfortable meeting. That didn’t work. Actually, time for a total redo. The Q&A’s could use tweaking but the gist won’t change. I, for one, think that the percentages are pretty darn accurate. But they don’t say love.
No, they don’t say love. Everyone is famous in a small town, and being a little humble, private, shy… prevents me from wanting to post photos. I will send you some though if you like. We all have stories of meeting people from these sites. I think the most common one for me is showing up at the coffee shop and not “seeing” the person. Then poof a much older version presents himself. I’m mystified by this choice, as immediately I’m thinking he’s dishonest. Likely not a good play.
What does an “A” profile look like?
Then came the bio, names, ages, and places.
She included no picture or name and her profile was unusually brief. At the time, the main part of my profile had been removed. So it is just the writing. It is all custom, ad hoc, and personal. One of us is female and the other other is male, but aside from that the writer is unidentifiable. We sound exactly alike.
It is engaging writing. There are no judgements or criticisms; it is all positive. She is really good at it–diction, imagery, humor, even punctuation. Humility. Failure. Precision and depth. A bit of mystery too. I can’t believe what a good writer she is.
It was bizarre. We both knew it right from the start but we never met in-person. I still think, if we were in the same room you couldn’t keep us apart. Have you ever had anyone tell you about the discussion–about yourself–at the dinner party last night? My son knows who you are…
Overall, it is pretty easy to explain: super smart and super sexy. Both these words are used very generally.
In our case we both have something else in common–we came from Michigan, moved west, and never returned permanently.
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Walter Wolf (not that Walter Wolf) and Emerson Fittipaldi.
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I pride myself on reading and listening. I am terrible at it. I’ve never had a louder wake-up call.
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I read a couple of emails and that was enough. When it was sent I remembered the one about how her kids support her having a boyfriend; this time I saw one sent shortly before that saying how she wanted to keep me a secret from her kids. It explained a lot. Lying to everyone was more than I could take, this time. And the cover, the sanctity of her kids, was blown.
Thanks to Anthony Weiner and his wife the world is now familiar with the word sexting. My relationship was not even close, but I’m glad for the lesson.
There’s nothing wrong with chatting on a phone, in writing, audio or video, about anything. The point is, it is a cover-up. It can be more about communicating with a phone than with a person; that’s the hardest part, recognizing that there is a real person on the other end. It may only be impulsive and not well thought-out. It doesn’t work with someone you don’t really know, of the opposite sex, or someone you really respect.
Several things got Weiner in trouble. First, after resigning from Congress he said publicly and to his wife he would not do it again. Second, he was caught doing it in bed, “with” a woman not his wife, alongside their four year-old son.
It is something you can do in the background, like watching TV without really paying attention. It is something you can do secretly. And you can pretend to hide it.
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Trolling
2016. Age going backward.
Hell hath no fury like a woman… We’ll get to that, maybe. That’s not what really sticks out.
Back to online dating for a moment. I saw someone who said “happy trolling!” I’m not sure what it means, but I think usually it is negative. I think it has to do with prodding and being afraid to speak up. Women do it in online dating and it isn’t necessarily bad. Some women just will not write to men and there is no way around that. Others may want to say something but it is hard. It is very hard to get it right. I guess men do it based on the comment by a woman, and that is pretty pathetic for the reasons already mentioned. Someone has to be the aggressor, and if the woman won’t do it… It is OK to be the aggressor.
I don’t believe in denial. I don’t mean hedonism, I mean being afraid, escaping, and unable to cope with reality. Dealing with it may also mean finding a solution and rising above it.
Gawd, the soliloquy about how bad it still is. She came back and apparently her life is worse than before. The child with varying fractions of custody is omitted as are the two divorces. I remember the part about “one of us will have to move” but I never got an answer for, and never asked, if she was able to leave Bozeman. I know she would rather stay there and fight with her ex-husband. Just because she has to leave Bozeman whenever her son is not at that home… She doesn’t understand that men my age don’t want a travel partner; they want more and they want final.
I tried to be a friend and maybe even help. I was shot down once again. Something about residential development projects.
I learned that someone has to be the aggressor and I have thanked her.
And I have learned that I will read her still-continuing messages because I am not afraid. I have done the right thing.